Infidelity

A terrible thing has happened. You found out your partner cheated on you. What happens now?

For some people, cheating means an automatic break-up. But others may still have feelings for their partner, and depending on the circumstances they may want to try and keep the relationship going. A lot of people who contact us ask: how do I build trust again after my partner cheats?

As hard as this might be to hear, it’s important to remember that there is no way to 100% guarantee that your partner will never cheat again. Your partner has to make the choice not to cheat, and you can’t control other people’s decisions.

However, you can choose whether or not to trust your partner again. Rebuilding trust is possible. It does take a lot of work, and BOTH partners have to be committed to healing the relationship.

Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Communication should be open. Healthy communication is important in any relationship, but especially after trust has been broken. You should be able to talk honestly with your partner, and you should feel that your partner is being open and honest with you. If you have an argument, try to fight fair without bringing up the past.

Be on the same team. Your relationship may not look the same on the “other side,” but it is possible to build something new. You should both be focused on building that new relationship together.

Stay “present-oriented.” One of the most difficult things about rebuilding trust after someone cheats is staying in the present moment and building toward the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and sad about your partner’s decision to cheat. However, if you can’t eventually let go of those feelings and work toward a more positive, open approach to the relationship, it may be a sign that this relationship is not worth staying in.

Trust yourself. This might be the most important (and hardest) thing to do. You might be questioning your own instincts at this point: “Should I have done something differently?” “Shouldn’t I have seen this coming?” But learning to trust yourself, your own feelings, and that you’ll be okay moving forward is key to having a healthy relationship with anyone. If something doesn’t feel right, rethink about whether or not it’s right for you.

As you are rebuilding your relationship, remember the following:

• Cheating is never an excuse to be abusive toward your partner. There is no excuse for abuse.
• Cheating does not mean your partner has no right to privacy anymore. It’s not healthy to demand that they share their cell phone or social media passwords with you, or constantly check up on them and make them prove that they are telling you the truth. What you share with each other is still a decision for each of you to make. Again, it will be your choice to trust or not trust your partner.

If You’re the One Who Cheated

If you cheated on your partner, and you both have decided to try and make your relationship work again, there are a few things you need to do:

Take responsibility. Own up to your behaviors, and be understanding about how those behaviors have made your partner feel. Be honest with yourself as to why you made the decision to cheat.

Keep promises. Call when you say you’ll call. Do what you say you’re going to do. Show that you are worthy of trust.

Give your partner space. They will be angry and hurt about what you did, and they have a right to feel and express their feelings. Sometimes it might seem like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back, but you must recognize that this process takes time. Trust cannot be given back overnight. However, like we said above, your partner does not have the right to be abusive toward you, and you still have a right to your own privacy.

Communicate openly. Find out what your partner needs. Really listen to them. Be honest with your partner about what you need. Are you willing and able to meet your partner’s needs, and vice versa? If not, it might be time to reconsider whether staying in the relationship is right for both of you.

Are you dealing with cheating in a relationship and need someone to talk to? Call, text, or chat online with one of our peer advocates today. We can help!

Couple and Social Networking

We all know Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Vine are way more fun when you can post photos and videos of that special someone you enjoying spending time with. However, social media can be dangerous to any relationship if used incorrectly! Be sure to avoid making mistakes that can throw your relationship into risky waters.

Facebook, Twitter, even LinkedIn- they are all about connecting with people, right? How can that be a problem? When connecting becomes hooking up and you (and/or they) are married. There are a few aspects of these sites which make them mine fields for marriages.

1. Part of the difficulty of these sites is most people view them as “innocent.” They minimize what they are doing on them; “I only tweet him a little” or “It’s harmless flirtation.” Even more outrageous, “It’s not like I’m cheating or having an affair.”

Unfortunately, these not-so-innocent connections often are affairs; if not sexual, then emotional.

You see, one definition of an affair is going outside the relationship to get something you should be getting inside it. This can be affirmation, love, sex, emotional connection, someone to be with, attention, or a whole host of things. People seek these things through seemingly innocent social media connections, and often get sucked into something they didn’t mean to do.

2. Social media sites make it easy to connect, but for a couple of reasons it also makes it easy to cheat. Yes, cheating existed before them, but they make it easier these days.

People online have the ability to be invisible or anonymous. Even Plato understood the dangers of this; in his story about the Ring of Gyges he postulated humans are only good as long as they think they would be caught. If they think they can be invisible and have no repercussions to what they do, they will do what they want.

In other words, it is tempting to push the envelope further online than in person or with your spouse listening. Online gives you the feeling you won’t be caught.

Instant communication takes time out of the equation. Have you ever been out of sorts with your spouse? (If you say no, you are lying.) Before the web and especially social media sites it would have taken time to connect with someone and get serious. Now you can shoot someone an email/tweet/text to complain about your spouse, and they can “support” you, and you can start comparing how much of a “jerk” your spouse is in relation to this other person. There is no stop-gap to slow you down between emotion and response. You need a thought out response.

In addition, the instant connection makes it easier to go to someone else rather than fix things with your spouse. It makes it easier to say, “My partner isn’t going to make it better, I’ll just go talk to _____.” It creates a void where repairing the relationship should be.

Also, social media sites make it simple to find old flames. Face it, if they were a flame, then there will be chemistry there, no matter how good your marriage is now. It becomes a temptation. On the flip side, some people have reported being stalked by old flames and how creepy that is.

For all these reasons, these sites make it easy to cheat.

The mis-attributed innocence and opportunity for cheating created by social media sites make them aminefield for those who are married. That is why it is important to safeguard your relationship.

Your courageous work is to create safeguards to your relationship before participating in any of these sites. Don’t say or do anything you think in anyway your partner would be hurt by or disapprove of. You need to be clear about why you are online (to yourself and others.) You may want to keep open communication about whom you have friended or whom you talk with and what you talk about. This may mean letting your partner read your messages and answering some tough questions.

Ask yourself some questions, and be really stupidly honest with your answers.

• Would my partner be happy if I was talking on the phone with this other person as much as I tweet them?
• Would my spouse be happy if I was meeting them for lunch/dinner as often as I send or read emails to/from them?
• Would my loved one say what I’m doing is really innocent or not hurtful?
• What would happen if my partner read the texts/tweets/emails we are exchanging?
• Am I seeking something from this other person that I could be getting from my partner?
• Is my relationship in trouble? (If it is, stay away from social media sites.)

Lastly, if you are truthful with yourself and recognize you are online to find someone else, then turn back to your relationship and see if you can make it work. Earn your way out, don’t cheat your way out.

REIGNITING THE SPARK

Do you feel a lack of excitement in your relationship? Perhaps a certain feeling of passion or excitement that was once there no longer exists, is much less frequent than it was or far less intense? Maybe you used to prioritize your relationship much higher, but it feels like a chore now and that passion and excitement has been replaced by indifference.

Frequency of sex for married couples varies by age: Couples 18 to 29 are friskiest, reporting sex 109 times a year, while couples in their 60s do it 32 times yearly. That’s not to suggest that couples should try to keep up sexually everyday; if both partners are happy with a low- or no-sex relationship, there’s no reason to dust off the fuzzy handcuffs.

But when one or both partners are dissatisfied with their sex lives, it plays an enormously negative role in a marriage, and is a top reason couples get divorced.

So how do you fire up a sex life that has lost its spark?

“Intimacy” includes physical closeness and to many this quickly gets translated to meaning a sexual relationship. Of course married love includes sex, as it should, but long married couples will often relate that the sexual part of their relationship is only one of many ways they are intimate with each other.

Other forms of intimacy are emotional, intellectual, heart- to- heart conversations, working together at common goals, and spiritual intimacy. True marital intimacy usually involves being honest with your spouse and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Because you know your spouse well and trust him/her not to hurt you, you are willing to give yourself completely and risk the unknown.

In emotional intimacy a couple shares their joys, fears, frustrations, sorrows and, yes, anger with each other. This doesn’t mean that spouses yell and scream at each other- or, worse, hit each other- but it does mean that hard feelings can be shared, too. The challenge is to find ways to do this respectfully. It can be scary at times to let down one’s emotional guard, but when trust is developed over time, it feels safe. Emotional intimacy is one of the strongest bonders in a marriage. It is violated when a spouse shares intimate thoughts and feelings with a friend, co- worker, or on- line. This can feel like betrayal even though it doesn’t involve sexual infidelity.

Intellectual intimacy comes when spouses share a vibrant life of the mind with each other. It may be discussing a book, movie, or play, dissecting all the nuances of the plot and symbolism. It might be the high of attending a concert together that stirred your souls. It might be knowing that you share similar opinions on social, political, or religious issues. It’s not a matter of equivalent education, but rather equivalent thirst for knowledge that feeds your common spirit.

Heart- to- heart conversations might be the way that you develop emotional or intellectual intimacy, but sometimes the conversations might not be about anything that momentous. It might just be sharing the stuff of everyday life. What concerns are you carrying about your child? Is there a decision to make about a job or a move? Is there a joke that you know your spouse will understand even though it’s not laugh out loud funny?

Sometimes deep intimacy can come without words. It may be a knowing glance as you drive along the highway, and you appreciate the view together, or a long consoling hug when a tragedy strikes your family. It can also be the feeling of satisfaction when doing yard work, household repairs, or working on a social cause together.

Spiritual intimacy should not be dismissed as too esoteric or something just for “holy people.” Prayer is a personal encounter with God. Letting your spouse peek into a sliver of that relationship by saying heartfelt prayers of petition or thanks together is the beginning of becoming soul- mates. See, Who Me, Pray?…With Her for ideas.

And of course, there is sexual intimacy. This physical intimacy is so special and profound because it lays bare our bodies in their beauty and imperfection for the pleasure of our spouse. Such a private moment. Such a momentous act of total self-giving and trust that we don’t share with anyone else. It celebrates our joy and stirs us out of apathy. The possibility of new life being born from this loving act is a miracle almost beyond comprehension.

Being human, we are not perfect. At times we’ll fall short of the ideal of never hurting our spouse. There may be times when trust between spouses is broken. At times like this a couple must reach deeply into their reserve of love, change what needs to be changed, and ask forgiveness. That too, is an intimate act.

Sexual Frustration

Sexual frustration can be depressing to some people as it can generate a feeling as if not existing. Many people are experiencing this dilemma that forces them to look for effective ways in coping with sexual frustration. If you are one of those, then you should begin your adventure of finding the sexual happiness that you desire.

Beforehand, it is important to understand the meaning of sexual frustration. This type of frustration comes in many forms. It does not necessarily mean that if a person engage in sexual activity frequently is guaranteed satisfied. There are instances in which a woman or a man having sex every day and reaches orgasm also feels frustrated. Likewise, a married person may also experience sexual frustration if he or she is not able to achieve the sex that he or she desires.

Learning how to deal with sexual frustration is a start to what attracted you to one another and how you grow stronger together from this point on:

1. Seek out a sex therapist or a psychotherapist. They not only help you get to a mental or psychological underlying reason why you are suffering, but they also conduct physical exams to make sure that your feeling of sexual hopelessness is not due to physical causes.

2. Communicate with your partner. Talk calmly and openly about your desires and fears. Reassure your partner that they are still desirable and that you are working to find out why you feel less sexual. Both you and your partner need to take responsibility for have a healthy romantic sexual relationship and that you both should work at finding the right solutions.

3. Masturbate/Toys. Masturbation and the use of modern toys, has become a natural sexual method to eliminate sexual frustration. Don’t overdo it, both men and women can harm themselves by masturbating too often, sometimes you just need a little masturbation, with or without toys, to get the edge off or to enjoy your partner in a new way. Sexual toys are not just vibrators anymore, there is more to their size, design, and shapes to give people the pleasure that they need. They are part of the new high tech mind set. Just masturbate and play with your toys, alone or together, in moderation.

When you are feeling sexually frustrated and your plan is to ignore it, these thoughts and feelings only become enhanced. It will feel like you can’t stop thinking about sex because your brain requires specific sequence of thoughts to turn sexual arousal off. Psychiatrists believe that when you suppress your sexual frustrations, you weaken the necessary signals between your brain and your sexual genitals.

The important lesson in how to deal with sexual frustration, is that you are willing to try and isn’t that half the battle?

心理學及婚姻治療 改善破裂婚姻關係

到底一段爱情要怎样经营？为什么无论是正在拍拖的情侣或已婚数年的夫妇都会投诉感情变淡？到底，怎样才能让一段爱情长跑且不淡？以下是一则故事：

李先生與黄小姐已結婚3年，婚後的生活也與一般的夫妻生活差不多，即早上上班，傍晚下班，後吃晚餐、看電視及睡覺。婚後的他們擁有兩個小孩，即微微及小杰，分別為2歲及1歲，可謂是幸福美滿且不錯的家庭。

新婚危機

幸福不長久，原本相安無事的家庭也開始出現摩擦。看似幸福的李先生與黄小姐，經常為了小事及微小意見差異而互相爭論，而這些以往可輕鬆解決的小爭論也開始變成劇烈的戰鬥和爭論，可謂360度轉變。他倆的孩子也開始察覺父母的變化，更因此變得越來越孤僻。

李先生與黄小姐的關係已從相愛變成心存仇恨和厭惡，他們開始怨恨對方，並開始躲避彼此。他們除了開始越來越少一起做事外，還寧願將時間花費於家庭以外的事且彼此間的互動都是敵對的。他們彼此間非但沒有了幸福、愛情或親情的跡象，更讓彼此的關係達到沸點。

李先生的工作費用負擔越來越重，讓他壓力越來越大，甚至無法集中於工作；黄小姐的生活也開始受到影響，她似乎無法讓自己正常運作，有時甚至在公眾面前大哭。此現象持續了一段時間，直到他倆意識到此關係無法繼續下去，且必須想辦法解決。

尋求婚姻治療師和心理學家的幫助

李先生與黄小姐也驚覺彼此最後一次的性關係乃6個月前，於是決定上網尋求幫助。在他們發現國際心理學中心提供的「情侶治療服務」後即決定預約該中心的關係（Relate）、情侶與婚姻治療中心（ Centre for Couple and Marital Therapy）與卓越浪漫關係管理中心的服務。

在抵達中心後，李先生與黄小姐獲一隊友好的心理學家和婚姻治療師接待，並向他們解釋整個輔導過程，讓他們覺得受保護。首階段治療稱為初始評估，李先生與黄小姐的主診心理學家和婚姻治療師將向他們了解他倆的問題和性質。心理學家和婚姻治療師也提供一個隱秘的私人空間，讓他們安心地將分享他們在感情上的問題。完成評估後，他們感覺舒服多了，皆因有人傾聽他們的痛苦、憂慮和不滿。當他們離開中心時，他們確實覺得比抵達時更舒坦，更獲得一些他們認為自己已失去的東西——實現夢想及擁有快樂和親密關係的希望。

情侶治療

首階段治療的幾個星期後，他們參與更多的治療，以協助進一步了解他們之間的問題性質。這也助他們去找出及改善那些會導致彼此關係起衝突或造成敵對的不健康和消極情緒

大馬心理學中心(malaysiapsychology.com/couple_therapy)专业心理学兼婚姻治療師陈医生表示，夫妻爭吵的論點不是導致夫妻關係決裂的關鍵問題，但夫妻間如何爭論的卻是問題的關鍵所在。其實，如何將彼此間的分歧通過溝通達到共識才是維持一個健康關係的重要一環。

性愛、婚姻及性治療

李先生與黄小姐了解，情感安全溝通是維繫關係的成功關鍵。同時，他們也意識到他們之前的溝通方式，將引起爭吵及導致衝突和敵意。從了解中，他們學會如何更有效溝通，及辨識所可能引起爭吵的因素。

自此開始，他們開始聆聽對方的想法，即使在不認同的情況下，也要理解對方。在兩人相互配合與努力下，讓他們的關係改善且豐富他倆的生活，進而使他們擁有更親密的關係及享有更好的性生活。

身为國際心理學中心性滿足及性治療中心的愛情生活心理學家和性治療師之一的陳医生表示，在詢問性生活問題的病患中，大部份的主因皆與他們的相處有關。一旦協助改善他們的相處模式後，性關係也能相對改善。

“因此，當中心的專業性激素及神經傳導物質實驗室尿液檢查發現，該性問題與體內的神經傳導物質（Neurotransmitters）及性激素（Sexual Hormone）有關，病患就需要進行一些身體的小調整，如多巴胺、睾丸激素、雄激素或孕激素等的補充，以作為神經傳導物質及性激素補充劑。”

性愛、荷爾蒙、抗衰老及情緒健康

陳医生說，神經傳導物質（大腦化學物質可影響情緒，包括性欲）及荷爾蒙（體內物質可影響性愛表現，包括男女性高潮能力）若出現問題，解決方法並不難。

他表示，李先生及黄小姐的問題，便是大眾普遍所面對的問題。因雙方在不同領域工作，也承受著不同的壓力，轉而影響其荷爾蒙及神經傳導物質的水平。若壓力水平無控制好，將使脫氫表雄酮的消耗，導致腎上腺衰竭。

他補充，另外，性激素影響著性慾及性愛表現能力，是抗衰老及影響情緒荷爾蒙的關鍵，即表示，性激素可協助保持青春。

根據近期在《國際心理治療、輔導與精神病學期刊：治療、研究及臨床實驗》報導指出，擁有抑鬱情緒的男性和女性，其睾丸激素（主要性激素）及血清素（神經傳導物質）在尿液檢驗中也會同樣顯示出最低水平。

在李先生與黄小姐前往國際心理學中心，開始他們的婚姻及性治療與測試的一個月後，他們的關係已明顯增進，不僅可像過去3年一樣舒服地聊天，也激發起他們的激情，進而擁有良好的性生活，使他們在工作上更具動力及活力，同時也享受家庭生活，猶如重回到20歲的年輕時光。更值得欢欣的是, 他们终于能够再次开心地庆祝来临的情人节了。

***上述文稿由心理學家、婚姻治療師及心理營養學治療師國際心理學中心Psycare所提供。欲知詳情，請致電03-27277434、電郵info@psychology.com.my或瀏覽 psychology.com.my 及 面子書psychologyasia和推特twitter.com/#!/msiapsychology查詢。